2
-
THE
FREE
PRESS
-
Valentine's
Day,
1995
auditor's
Comment
Yuck!
I
am
celebrating
my
19th
single
Valentine's
Day
this
year.
Bleah.
Understandable
why
I
hate
it,
I'm
sure.
So
it's
over
a
week
before
press
date,
and
already
I'm
going
into
sugar
shock
from
all
you
super
saccarine
lovers
out
there
who
are
desperately
trying
to
woo
your
secret
and
not
so
secret
lovers.
And
for
all
you
gooey
schmoozy
lovers
out
there
who
insist
on
kissing
in
front
of
me,
this
is
the
time
of
year
to
stop.
Usually
I
am
very
easy
to
please,
but
I
get
slightly
insanely
jealous
of
people
with
signifigant
others
right
about
now.
If
I
ain't
gettin'
none,
you
shouldn't
be
either.
One
of
the
other
press
writers
wants
to
open
up
a
sex
club
for
singles.
Blindfolds
and
a
dark
room
will
be
provided.
I
won't
be
there.
Seems
to
me,
that
logically,
the
single
folk
are
going
to
be
the
lousy
ones
in
bed!!!
So
I'll
be
celibate
for
a
few
more
years.
Whine,
bitch,
complain.
There
is,
however,
someone
I
would
like
to
throw
down
and
ravage,
but
I
am
too
genteel
a
lady
to
be
so..
.lucky.
So
for
all
of
you
secretly
admiring
a
gorgeous
man,
or
woman,
you're
not
alone.
But
those
of
you
who
have
your
partner,
drop
dead!!
Those
of
you
who
are
erm,
how
can
I
say
this
discreetly,
uh,
wearing
a
lot
of
green
lately,
interspersed
with
purple
spurts,
(translation:
you're
horny
and
desperate),
I
hate
to
be
the
one
to
tell
you,
but
you
may
just
be
S.O.L.
But
come
be
miserable,
single
and
celibate
for
a
few
days.
We
can
drink
ourselves
senseless
and
bitch
about
ex's
who
were
so
inconsiderate
that
they
dumped
you
the
day
before
Valentine's
Day,
or
on
the
big
day
itself.
We
can
comiserate
on
the
way
we
only
ever
attract
SCUM,
or
how
the
nice
guys
(and
girls)
you
secretly
lust
after
only
see
you
as
insignifigant
ants,
or
even
worse,
the
F
word.
Friends.
We'll
have
our
own
Valentine's
Day
party.
We'll
call
it
a
Valentine's
Day
Bawl!
On
a
happier
note,
think
of
all
the
fun
stuff
you
could
do
to
your
friends
who
are
ditching
you
on
the
14th
for
some
serious
bonking.
T.
P.
thier
homes.
Poke
holes
in
their
condoms.
Answer
the
phone
when
the
lover
calls
and
call
himher
THE
WRONG
NAME!!!!
Perhaps
the
best
'whoops'
you
can
do
to
a
friend
of
the
opposite
sex
is
to
answer
his
phone
and
if
it's
his
girlfirend
act
like
the
two
of
you
are
just
a
bit
on
the
busy
side
(plenty
of
moaning
and
heavy
breathing
should
accompany
this
type
of
conversation.)
I
guarantee
your
guy
friend
will
be
sitting
in
your
living
room
miserable
with
you
on
the
big
day
if
you
can
pull
this
one
off.
My
Valentine's
Day
plans
consist
of
watching
TV.
while
devouring
a
bag
of
cheezdoodles
and
a
half
sack
of
beer,
but
I
think
I
like
it
that
way.
Cpmmitments
have
a
way
of
being
so...commiting.
As
an
example,
you
have
a
boyfriend.
You
go
out
to
the
bar
together.
You
see
a
hot
guy.
Kiss
the
night
good-bye.
Your
boyfriend
will
be
all
over
you,
asserting
his
territorial
rights,
and
the
hot
guy
will
be
thinking
"poor
girl.
Stuck
with
a
loser.
Then
again,
she's
probably
a
loser
too,
if
she
puts
up
with
that
crap."
What
the
hot
guy
doesn't
see
is
the
car
trip
home.
"Get
your
paws
off
me
you
sick
neanderthal!"
"oh,
baby,
come
on,
why
are
you
mad?"
"If
you
don't
know
why
I'm
mad,
then
never
mind."
"What?
It
wasn't
when
I
clubbed
you
on
the
head
and
dragged
you
off,
was
it?
I
thought
you
liked
that!"
"Moron."
Maybe
the
reason
I
want
to
be
single
come
Valentine's
Day
is
because
I
have
a
nasty
habit
of
attracting
total
scum.
I
can't
actually
think
of
a
nice
boyfriend
I
have
ever
had.
They
are
either
totally
possesive,
obsessed
or
complete
sluts.
I
don't
find
any
of
that
particularly
attractive
in
a
man.
I
know,
I'm
out
of
touch.
Everyone
tells
me
all
men
are
scum,
but
I
don't
totally
buy
that,
all
the
time.
You
know
damn
well
that
there
are
guys
out
there
who
are
totally
great
guys
before
you
start
dating.
Suddenly,
they
ask
you
out,
and
instantaneously
become
the
boyfriend
from
hell!
What
is
with
that?
He's
the
nicest
guy,
your
parents
love
him
and
hound
you
to
get
your
claws
into
him
before
he
is
snatched
up
by
anyone
else.
That
should
be
the
first
clue.
If
he's
so
wonderful,
why
doesn't
he
already
have
a
girlfriend?
But
anyhow,
he
must
be
getting
the
same
lecture
from
his
family
because
suddenly
he's
at
your
door,
with
a
lost
puppy
look
and
flowers,
confessing
his
love.
What
the
hell,
you
say,
and
go
out.
This
is
the
Dr.
Jeckyll
and
Mr.
Hyde
part.
He
becomes
obsessed
with
your
whereabouts,
he's
possesive
to
the
point
of
getting
mad
if
you
go
see
an
instructor
for
help
on
an
assignment,
and
jealous?!
Should
I
even
go
into
that
terrain?
If
your
phone
happens
to
be
busy
when
he
actually
bothers
to
phone,
he
thinks
you're
seeing
someone
else,
when
actually,
you
were
taking
a
call
from
your
grandma
about
International
Tap
Dancing
Day
being
tomorrow.
Suddenly
we
know
why
he
doesn't
have
a
girlfriend.
And
yes,
that
should
be
doesn't
because
you
just
dumped
him
on
his
ass.
I
guess
that
sums
up
my
singularity,
and
why,
although
I
hate
Valentine's
Day
single,
I
wouldn't
have
it
any
other
way.
Till
next
time,
J.
Cole,
Editor
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Layout
Assistant:
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Rousell,
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Page,
Christina
Solmonson,
John
Verheul,
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Verheul,
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Campbell,
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Raho,
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Young
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