10
-
THE
FREE
PRESS
-
April
19,
1995
With
Friends
Like
Her,
Who
Needs
Enemies?
by
B.
Collins,
contributor
Have
you
ever
thought
that
you
could
tell
your
best
friend
your
deepest
secret
?
Well,
if
you
have,
do
a
test
first
to
see
if
your
best
friend
is
really
your
best
friend!
You're
probably
wondering
why
I'm
saying
that,
but
if
your
'best
friend'
has
done
what
mine
has
done,
you
would
know
why
I'm
asking
you
this.
First
of
all
my
best
friend
(I'll
call
"Tammy")
always
used
to
say
she'd
tell
me
her
deepest
secret
in
exchange
for
my
deepest
secret
(typical
girl
stuff),
and
would
promise
to
not
tell
anybody.
I'd
tell
her
my
secret
and
she'd
make
up
some
strange
and
bizarre
secret
(but
that's
not
the
thing
that
get's
me
fumed).
It's
the
fact
that
she
goes
home
and
tells
her
mother
all
about
my
life,
everything
from
who
I'm
seeing
to
what
I'm
doing
!
Here's
a
real
life
situation:
I
had
my
very
first
sexual
experience
with
my
boyfriend
at
the
time,
and
not
even
two
hours
later,
she
went
and
had
sex
with
him
while
I
was
sleeping
on
the
couch
in
the
living
room!!
Her
excuse
was
that
she
thought
I
wouldn't
mind
and
that
is
where
I
realize
I
made
my
first
mistake.
Letting
her
think
that
I
thought
it
was
okay
for
her
to
have
sexual
intercourse
with
my
boyfriend,
STUPID
ME
!
To
say
the
least
I
dumped
the
one
track
minded
jerk
after
that.
I
thought
that
it
could
happen
to
anybody,
but
guess
what
I'm
the
only
one
with
the
cheating
friend
curse.
Secondly,
I
met
this
real
sweetheart
from
Grande
Prairie,
during
the
1991-92
Prince
George
Spruce
Kings
play-offs.
"Tony"
and
I
kept
in
touch
for
half
a
year
and
we
started
to
become
closer
friends.
Then
I
had
to
ruin
it
!
I
just
had
to
introduce
"Tammy"
to
this
total
sweetheart
I
was
starting
to
fall
hard
core
for.
Well
"Tammy"
and
"Tony"
start
to
become
friends
and
all
of
a
sudden
I
don't
hear
from
"Tony"
anymore.
The
thing
that
bugs
me
the
most
was
when
"Tony"
was
here
in
March
.
"Tammy"
went
down
to
talk
to
"Tony"
and
told
him
that
I
said
that
he
was
leading
me
on
and
that
I
didn't
want
anything
to
do
with
him.
To
say
the
least
"Tony"
told
"Tammy"
for
me
to
not
write
or
phone
him
anymore,
but
she
still
has
not
told
me
this
little
fact
yet.
Another
thing
that
ticks
me
off
is
the
fact
that
"Tony"
asked
"Tammy"
where
I
was
that
night,
and
she
told
him
that
I
was
at
the
bar.
Yes,
I
was
at
the
bar
with
friends
(we're
old
enough,
whereas
"Tammy"
is
not,)
and
she
says
"Tony"
told
her
that
she
has
to
"straighten
me
out".
Why
do
I
have
to
be
straightened
out?
I'm
the
one
who
is
legal
to
go
to
the
bar!
And
I
don't
lie
about
going
to
the
bar
with
the
best
hockey
team
in
town.
So
how's
that
for
a
best
friend?
Third,
and
I
think
the
funniest
right
now
has
to
do
with
my
liking
of
this
guy
named
Chad
Richard
(off
of
the
Spruce
Kings).
Well,
the
funny
thing
is
that
she
is
saying
that
when
the
play-offs
are
over
she
was
invited
by
Chad
to
go
back
to
Alaska
with
him
(which
I
know
for
a
fact
is
not
true).
As
a
matter
of
fact
the
exacted
quote
that
came
out
of
Chad's
mouth
when
asked
about
it
was
"Fk
no!
Tell
her
to
get
a
fing
life!".
Another
absolutely
hilarious
fantasy
of
"Tammy's"
was
the
story
about
being
invited
over
to
Troy
Dalton's
house.
If
any
body
knows
Troy
you
know
that
he
can
be
a
bit
of
a
snob.
(Troy
please
don't
take
this
personally,
you
really
seem
to
be
a
nice
guy,
other
than
that).
"Tammy"
seems
to
think
she
went
over
to
Troy's
house
and
supposedly
wrestled
with
Troy,
Chad,
Mark,
and
Mike
etc.
'Tammy"
also
has
told
me
a
story
of
Chad
trying
to
set
up
her
with
Mark
Williams.
(Actually,
as
she
puts
it,
Mark
is
trying
to
get
her
attention
but
she
won't
give
him
the
time
of
day.)
She
could
only
wish
to
ever
get
looked
at
by
an
awesome
looking
guy
like
Mark
Williams.
I
just
wish
she
would
tell
me
the
truth
about
this
whole
thing
for
a
change.
Maybe
I'd
forgive
her
for
all
her
lies
Naaah,
I
don't
think
so!!
In
closing
I
guess
I'm
finding
out
what
growing
up
is
all
about!
And
just
because
you've
been
friends
since
Kindergarten
or
Gr.
12
it
doesn't
mean
that
you
will
always
be
the
undying
best
friends.
I've
come
to
the
conclusion
that
the
only
person
you
can
trust
is
yourself.
It's
a
tough
test
to
take
to
evaluate
your
friends,
but
one
that,
in
my
case
was
well
worth
it.
ATTENTION
ALL
AGENTS!
The
time
of
reckoning
is
at
hand.
Action
is
now.
The
dog
and
the
cat
hunt
together.
The
lions
knows
the
plan.
Our
heron
has
been
lost.
The
duck
swallowed
my
whistle.
Your
mission
has
been
uncovered.
The
well
has
flooded.
The
farm
dies
without
its
supper.
Sleeping
is
for
dinasaurs.
The
falcon
swims
the
ocean.
The
whale
takes
flight
at
midnight.
People
have
the
key.
Swans
cannot
be
trusted.
The
frog
has
betrayed
our
country.
The
rooster
is
in
league.
Trust
the
earth.
Water
reaches
out.
Take
hold.of
-
-
the
ruby
slippers.
Kansas
isn't
home.
The
mailman
must
be
found.
Green
elephants
are
the
hope
of
the
future.
Jet
to
the
car
port.
The
information
highway
is
a
ruse.
Peter
Pan
cannot
find
the
tree.
The
snake
killed
poverty.
Adam
and
Eve
broke
the
dam.
All
pigs
are
collaborating
against
us.
Names
are
not
real
The
party
has
begun
alone.
Substance
deleted.
The
course
has
moved
to
Miami.
Palm
trees
force
the
whip.
Cream
is
what
make
s
the
world
go
'round.
Speak
out
for
deliberation.
Force
the
dragon
to
roll.
Three
bears
ate
my
pud
ding.
Goldilocks
sleeps.
Forget
all
others.
Allow
no
fish
t
o
wander.
Prizes
will
be
captured.
The
orphan
rides
again.
Zorrokeeps
atf
eye
'on
the
treas-
t
ure.
Money
is
irrelevant.
Cost
released
my
father.
Property
lines
disappear.
Home
sweet
home.
The
meaning
is
foggy.
The
horn
spits
obcenities.
The
shrew
will
never
be
tamed.
Destruction
cannot
be.
Divorce
is
only
final
for
the
spoon.
Laser
power
is
forever.
Computers
have
ears.
The
fly
on
the
wall
knows
more
than
we.
Tall
ones
know
best.
Together
we
can
wear
sweats
with
pride.
Oneness
in
all.
The
Head
Has
Spoken
-
Go
Forth