4
Opinion
1
February
2004
Erin
O'Hagan:
Advanced
Lovemaking
-
101,
102,
and
103.
Plus
a
lab.
What
is
Grimace?'
:
Kevin
Lalonde
Graphics
Assistant
When
I
was
a
child,
I
ate
more
or
less
my
share
of
fast
food.
Probably
more,
judging
by
the
look
of
me.
I
always
hated
Burger
King,
and
Wendy's
never
seemed
"cool"
(who
the
hell
is
Wendy
king
of
anyway?).
But
McDonalds
was
cool.
But
years
later,
I
am
faced
with
a
haunting
question,
burning
a
hole
in
the
very
fabric
of
all
I
hold
true
in
my
life.
What
the
hell
is
Grimace?
You
all
remember
Grimace.
In
the
ball
pit
Grimace
was
the
big
purple
thing
whose
picture
always
adorned
the
wall
next
to
the
rack
where
you
had
to
put
your
shoes.
That
big,
clumsy,
dopey
looking
mass
of
violet
space,
thick
and
bottom
heavy,
bejeweled
with
that
same,
never-changing
smile.
But
this
smile
was
never
a
grimace...
So
again
I
ask
what
the
hell
is
he?
...
Come
to
think
of
it,
'he'
is
awfully
presumptuous
of
me.
More
like
'it',
judging
from
his
sexless
form,
naked
for
the
entire
world
to
bear
witness
to.
So,
what
is
'it'?
This
really
smart
girl
I
know,
Mary
Thompson,
formerly
employed
at
Grimace's
home
of
McDonald's,
offered
the
following
suggestion:
"I
think
he's
some
kind
of
ancient
sea
slug."
Thank
you,
Mary.
Well,
it
is
clear
that
I
must
assume
the
crafter
of
this
grotesque
creature
does
not
know
the
nature
of
Grimace's
existence
themselves,
Jim
Condon:
Modern
History
-
Hannibal
to
Cannibals
leaving
me
to
discover
what
truly
forms
this
poor
being's
life
by
myself.
Further
enquiry
yields
the
following,
largely
uneducated
but
fairly
reasonable
suggestion.
...
An
alien,
perhaps?
This
explanation
holds
sway
upon
myself.
After
all,
only
in
a
space
unrestricted
by
the
confines
of
gravity
would
such
an
obese
life
form
be
able
to
sustain
itself,
let
alone
move.
"What's
that?"
"Don't
worry,
you
can
eat
that.
It's
just
Grimace."
Ok...
what
about
a
rotten
potato?
McDonalds
is
renowned
internationally
for
their
French
fries,
so
could
it
be
possible
that
one
potato
happened
to
fall
from
the
sack,
slipping
underneath
a
deep
fryer,
slowly
growing
and
developing
its'
own
consciousness
amidst
the
strife
of
a
fast
food
nation,
until
it
finally
awoke
in
the
late
1970's?
A
little
more
plausible
than
the
alien,
I'll
say
that
much
at
least.
I
was
also
told
that
he
may
be
an
eggplant.
Hmm...
I
suppose
he
has
traits
similar
to
that
of
an
eggplant.
However,
I
think
I've
found
the
key.
As
we're
all
aware,
this
year
McDonalds
has
opted
to
change
to
seasoned
white
meat
for
their
chicken
McNuggets,
you
know,
like
'real'
food.
Violet
Black
meekly
asked
us
in
last
month's
Free
Forum,
"What
the
hell
was
I
eating
when
I
was
five
years
old?"
Taking
one
look
at
Grimace,
I
think
I've
found
the
answer.
In
the
words
of
the
immortal
purple
beast
himself,
"My
favorite
drink
is
a
milkshake.
I
think
milkshakes
are
the
best."
Amy
Ballantyne:
History
of
Mythology
-
Buffy
the
Vampire
Slayer
Cezar
Slugocki:
Illicit
Drug
Craft
Bottled
Wateris
Not
as
Pure
as
Unconditional
Love
Violet
Black
One
day
the
CEO
of
Coca-Cola
realized
that
people
had
stopped
drinking
soda
pop
like
it
was
water.
The
CEO
went
home
that
night,
worried
about
the
future
of
his
business
-
what
was
he
going
to
say
to
his
shareholders?!
Late
that
night,
as
he
was
shuffling
to
the
kitchen
in
his
designer
boxers
in
search
of
something
to
quench
his
dry
mouth,
a
great
idea
occurred
-
why
not
bottle
water
and
sell
it
back
to
the
trusting
public?
This
scenario
is
pure
imagination,
CEO
gender
included,
but
I
am
sure
the
tale
also
has
a
ring
of
truth
to
it
-
after
all,
Dasani
(Coke's
love
child
of
the
bottled
water
phenomenon)
does
remind
us
that
we
"Can't
live
without
it."
Wait
a
minute,
hold
up
there.
What
is
"it"
exactly?
Can't
live
without
water?
Or
would
they
like
us
to
buy
into
the
idea
that
we
can't
live
without
bottled
water,
preferably
theirs?
I
am
sick
of
having
tap
water
treated
like
a
second
rate
alternative
to
bottled
water.
There
isn't
a
shred
of
evidence
to
support
that
bottled
water
is
safer
than
tap
water
provided
by
our
lovely
municipalities!
Not
a
shred!
The
efforts
put
forth
by
these
huge
companies
to
enforce
a
positive
perception
of
their
product
is
laughable.
For
example,
Aquafina's
website
tries
to
liken
the
purity
of
its
product
to:
"the
smell
of
a
baby's
head,
a
white
t-shirt
fresh
from
the
dryer,
a
blank
canvas,
unconditional
love,
catching
snowflakes
on
your
tongue,
freedom,
recess,
the
sound
of
the
ocean"!?
The
promotional
jibber
jabber
for
Aquafina,
Pepsi's
protege,
reads
like
a
focus
group
gone
awry.
I
FfSEE
FONJIil
m
Bottled
water
is
not
as
pure
the
moun-
tains
depicted
in
its
marketing
promotions
-
that
is
an
illusion.
In
fact,
the
regulations!?
placed
on
bottled
water
production
are
generally
weaker
than
that
for
our
municipal
water.
That
means
that
tap
water
has
the
more
rigourous
standard,
not
the
bot-f
tied
stuff.
Look
at
the
label
of
your
water
right
rrki
if
it
eawe
"Heminoralieert"
"HictilloH"
m
IIW
II
II
MJf
UIIIIIIIUWVU
,
UWUMM4
,
or
"carbonated"
then
it
doesn't
ensure
that
the
water
is
bacteria-free.
If
the
label
can't
even
brag
about
those
basic
treatments
then
it
is
just
your
average,
bottled
munic
ipal
tap
water.
Yes,
some
companies
are
bottling
thej
water
that
we
get
for
free
from
our
taps
and
selling
it
back
to
us.
The
bottled
water
industry
is
reaching
tn
new
heinhte
with
a
fnrne
nn
the
niiritv
.
...a...,
,
,
,
and
pockets
of
the
rich
and
famous.'
FineWaters
Balance
(FWB)
is
a
company
''
whose
goal
is
to
be
the
voice
tor
water
(
connoisseurs
ana
ineir
accompanying
lifestyle."
Before
you
even
begin
to
wrap
vour
mind
around
that
surreal
statement
just
consider
this:
the
FWB
website
sells"
stemware
designed
to
enhance
the
water-'
;
'
X
'
1-
A
-I-i'
t
1
lasting
experience
in
ine
iraauion
or
wine-(
tastinq.
I
ne
site
also
recommends
now
to
pair
the
right
bottled
water
with
your
meal.T
Thank
gosh
this
has
finally
been
addressed!
I
can't
afford
the
stemware
required
to
truly
"experience"
the
"taste"
of
water,
but
I
can
and
will
start
to
bring
a
washable
drinking
container
wherever
I
go
so
that
I
can
fill
up
on
refreshing,
regulated
tap
water.
After
all,
water
is
water.