6 Feature November 2004 Kevin Lalonde Features Editor I'm typically not one to indulge in senseless profanities, but I think that judging by the state of things, it's warranted. That in mind, well... shit. Yes, contrary to the will of almost the whole god According to a recent Gallup poll, the youth totally meant to vote in record numbers, man. damn planet, the November 2 US Federal Election decided that George W. Bush would return in his role as the war-mongering, education-cutting, social service-eliminating, health care-destroying, gay-persecuting, minority-disenfranchising, rich-favouring, poor-targeting, UN-ignoring, NATO power-abusing, foreigner-insulting, weapon-producing, tax-cutting, tobacco lobbyist-loving, puppy-killing President of the United States of Fuck You United Nations!! We're number one!! YEAH!!! (by the way, that puppy-killing remark, ehhh, not so much true. But the rest of them, ha, you're damn right). So, as I'm sure you and the entire civilized world are wondering, how the hell did this happen? I mean, seriously, we had Jimmy-Freakin'-Carter observing this whole shindig, how did Kerry lose? Was it the youth? According to a recent Gallup poll, the youth totally meant to vote in record numbers, man. Granted, they still did their part. In fact, theirs was the only age group in which the majority voted for Kerry, 54 as it were, proving once again that it's the youth who will save the planet, and that their parents are all wrong. Regardless, since the election, angry, bitter Democrats have attacked the youth for failing to hit the polls in the numbers that had been expected. All over the internet, disappointed Democrats have proposed (sarcastically, I really, really hope) Bt vxMrinMHBBBflHBBBS9HBiH99lBBSa gS&F.' vtM BMfiBSKJ&BBBBBBBBH in 4BSSSmnHB&BH9BflVHri iirllSsSfl BHbHbBmSSSSSSH What FPE POfSUi sending 18-25 year olds who didn't vote to Iraq, where they would presumably be killed, and deserve it. That's great guys, way to garner.support for your party's candidate from one of the most influential voting age groups in the country. Now hand me that AK-47, asshole. Young voters responded by attacking Kerry's lack of youth-focused spending measures. For example, "why didn't Kerry come out with an ambitious "plan to lower college tuition? If half of Bush's tax cuts were diverted to lowering college tuition, college could be practically free" asserts Znet blogger Justin Felux. I suppose Mr. Kerry figured youth voter turnout would skyrocket just because it's cool, as opposed to being out of a genuine concern for the social, economic and physical welfare of the nation and its allies. Well it is cool, damnit, but you could have tried a little harder, don't you think? A little youth-centric incentive would really go a long way, suggest many young voters like Felux. Offering government-funded contraceptive materials at colleges and universities just won't cut it any more. When all was said and done, however, media figures like Bruce Springsteen, Puff Daddy If half of Bush s tax cuts were diverted to lowering college tuition, college could be practically free asserts Znet blogger Justin Felux. and Kevin Smith were responsible for most of the youth get-out-the-vote drive, not the guys that actually need their votes, like say, the Democratic nominee for President. Eminem's highly politically charged, internet-exclu sive music video Mosh (go watch it at umusic.ca; if you mute it, it's really quite enjoyable) is an excellent example of how some guy from 8-Mile is more influential than the President of the United States. Am I the only person that this bothers? At least he tried. But when it got down to brass tacks, it was just too much work for our college-aged friends to the south to get off their PlayStations and head to the polls. What about the minorities? Weren't they were supposed to kick Bush's ass for increasing their tax burden, for shutting down their children's schools, for screwing them out of their votes in 2000, and all kinds of other mean, nasty things you'd only expect a... Republican to do? In a twisted, mind-melting turn of events, a majority of Hispanics actually voted for Bush. What? But that doesn't make any sense, does it? Hispanic voters seemingly have been convinced by the conservative media that President Bush has made America safer, and will continue to do so in his second term. That's a little strange, considering the fact that 2003 marked the bloodiest year of international terrorism in decades, and in fact, most international observers believe that the Bush Doctrine (or rather, the Wolfowitz Doctrine) of pre-emptive "ass-whooping has in fact made America even more at risk of terrorist attacks. When guys like Dick Cheney go on national television and say that "we will be attacked again," as all the neo-conserva-tives have been making a point of doing lately, they don't intend to. give Hispanics a reason for accusing them of lying. No, these go-getters are gonna make it happen, even if they have to persecute the whole goddamn Arabian Peninsula to do it! Meanwhile,. the black community, or those who weren't beaten to death Rodney King-style at their places of polling anyway, voted overwhelmingly for Kerry. Remember to keep in mind that in 50 years, blacks will outnumber white folk in the US, so at least when we're 70 and 80,- we've got a real shot at being taken care of in a humane manner. Woo!! But this still doesn't account for Bush's win. After all, it was Ohio that won Bush his re-election. How did he manage that?