6
Feature
November
2004
Kevin
Lalonde
Features
Editor
I'm
typically
not
one
to
indulge
in
senseless
profanities,
but
I
think
that
judging
by
the
state
of
things,
it's
warranted.
That
in
mind,
well...
shit.
Yes,
contrary
to
the
will
of
almost
the
whole
god
According
to
a
recent
Gallup
poll,
the
youth
totally
meant
to
vote
in
record
numbers,
man.
damn
planet,
the
November
2
US
Federal
Election
decided
that
George
W.
Bush
would
return
in
his
role
as
the
war-mongering,
education-cutting,
social
service-eliminating,
health
care-destroying,
gay-persecuting,
minority-disenfranchising,
rich-favouring,
poor-targeting,
UN-ignoring,
NATO
power-abusing,
foreigner-insulting,
weapon-producing,
tax-cutting,
tobacco
lobbyist-loving,
puppy-killing
President
of
the
United
States
of
Fuck
You
United
Nations!!
We're
number
one!!
YEAH!!!
(by
the
way,
that
puppy-killing
remark,
ehhh,
not
so
much
true.
But
the
rest
of
them,
ha,
you're
damn
right).
So,
as
I'm
sure
you
and
the
entire
civilized
world
are
wondering,
how
the
hell
did
this
happen?
I
mean,
seriously,
we
had
Jimmy-Freakin'-Carter
observing
this
whole
shindig,
how
did
Kerry
lose?
Was
it
the
youth?
According
to
a
recent
Gallup
poll,
the
youth
totally
meant
to
vote
in
record
numbers,
man.
Granted,
they
still
did
their
part.
In
fact,
theirs
was
the
only
age
group
in
which
the
majority
voted
for
Kerry,
54
as
it
were,
proving
once
again
that
it's
the
youth
who
will
save
the
planet,
and
that
their
parents
are
all
wrong.
Regardless,
since
the
election,
angry,
bitter
Democrats
have
attacked
the
youth
for
failing
to
hit
the
polls
in
the
numbers
that
had
been
expected.
All
over
the
internet,
disappointed
Democrats
have
proposed
(sarcastically,
I
really,
really
hope)
Bt
vxMrinMHBBBflHBBBS9HBiH99lBBSa
gS&F.'
vtM
BMfiBSKJ&BBBBBBBBH
in
4BSSSmnHB&BH9BflVHri
iirllSsSfl
BHbHbBmSSSSSSH
What
FPE
POfSUi
sending
18-25
year
olds
who
didn't
vote
to
Iraq,
where
they
would
presumably
be
killed,
and
deserve
it.
That's
great
guys,
way
to
garner.support
for
your
party's
candidate
from
one
of
the
most
influential
voting
age
groups
in
the
country.
Now
hand
me
that
AK-47,
asshole.
Young
voters
responded
by
attacking
Kerry's
lack
of
youth-focused
spending
measures.
For
example,
"why
didn't
Kerry
come
out
with
an
ambitious
"plan
to
lower
college
tuition?
If
half
of
Bush's
tax
cuts
were
diverted
to
lowering
college
tuition,
college
could
be
practically
free"
asserts
Znet
blogger
Justin
Felux.
I
suppose
Mr.
Kerry
figured
youth
voter
turnout
would
skyrocket
just
because
it's
cool,
as
opposed
to
being
out
of
a
genuine
concern
for
the
social,
economic
and
physical
welfare
of
the
nation
and
its
allies.
Well
it
is
cool,
damnit,
but
you
could
have
tried
a
little
harder,
don't
you
think?
A
little
youth-centric
incentive
would
really
go
a
long
way,
suggest
many
young
voters
like
Felux.
Offering
government-funded
contraceptive
materials
at
colleges
and
universities
just
won't
cut
it
any
more.
When
all
was
said
and
done,
however,
media
figures
like
Bruce
Springsteen,
Puff
Daddy
If
half
of
Bush
s
tax
cuts
were
diverted
to
lowering
college
tuition,
college
could
be
practically
free
asserts
Znet
blogger
Justin
Felux.
and
Kevin
Smith
were
responsible
for
most
of
the
youth
get-out-the-vote
drive,
not
the
guys
that
actually
need
their
votes,
like
say,
the
Democratic
nominee
for
President.
Eminem's
highly
politically
charged,
internet-exclu
sive
music
video
Mosh
(go
watch
it
at
umusic.ca;
if
you
mute
it,
it's
really
quite
enjoyable)
is
an
excellent
example
of
how
some
guy
from
8-Mile
is
more
influential
than
the
President
of
the
United
States.
Am
I
the
only
person
that
this
bothers?
At
least
he
tried.
But
when
it
got
down
to
brass
tacks,
it
was
just
too
much
work
for
our
college-aged
friends
to
the
south
to
get
off
their
PlayStations
and
head
to
the
polls.
What
about
the
minorities?
Weren't
they
were
supposed
to
kick
Bush's
ass
for
increasing
their
tax
burden,
for
shutting
down
their
children's
schools,
for
screwing
them
out
of
their
votes
in
2000,
and
all
kinds
of
other
mean,
nasty
things
you'd
only
expect
a...
Republican
to
do?
In
a
twisted,
mind-melting
turn
of
events,
a
majority
of
Hispanics
actually
voted
for
Bush.
What?
But
that
doesn't
make
any
sense,
does
it?
Hispanic
voters
seemingly
have
been
convinced
by
the
conservative
media
that
President
Bush
has
made
America
safer,
and
will
continue
to
do
so
in
his
second
term.
That's
a
little
strange,
considering
the
fact
that
2003
marked
the
bloodiest
year
of
international
terrorism
in
decades,
and
in
fact,
most
international
observers
believe
that
the
Bush
Doctrine
(or
rather,
the
Wolfowitz
Doctrine)
of
pre-emptive
"ass-whooping
has
in
fact
made
America
even
more
at
risk
of
terrorist
attacks.
When
guys
like
Dick
Cheney
go
on
national
television
and
say
that
"we
will
be
attacked
again,"
as
all
the
neo-conserva-tives
have
been
making
a
point
of
doing
lately,
they
don't
intend
to.
give
Hispanics
a
reason
for
accusing
them
of
lying.
No,
these
go-getters
are
gonna
make
it
happen,
even
if
they
have
to
persecute
the
whole
goddamn
Arabian
Peninsula
to
do
it!
Meanwhile,.
the
black
community,
or
those
who
weren't
beaten
to
death
Rodney
King-style
at
their
places
of
polling
anyway,
voted
overwhelmingly
for
Kerry.
Remember
to
keep
in
mind
that
in
50
years,
blacks
will
outnumber
white
folk
in
the
US,
so
at
least
when
we're
70
and
80,-
we've
got
a
real
shot
at
being
taken
care
of
in
a
humane
manner.
Woo!!
But
this
still
doesn't
account
for
Bush's
win.
After
all,
it
was
Ohio
that
won
Bush
his
re-election.
How
did
he
manage
that?