by
Andrew
Steele
Hey
folks,
welcome
back
to
the
Ridicularium,
our
ongoing
celebration
of
all
things
ridiculous
and
completely
asinine.
This
month's
addition
to
the
noble
ranks
of
the
ridiculariumized
goes
by
the
name
of
Big
John.
Ever
noticed
that
your
toilet
seat
is
a
little
too
constrictive,
inhibiting
range
of
movement
and
preventing
interesting
on
the
can
activities
such
as
basket
weaving
and
masturbation?
Well,
the
answer
to
all
your
waste
elimination
woes
has
arrived,
and
is
endorsed
by
this
month's
Free
Forum
poster
child,
Satan
Claus.
The
Big
John
toilet
seat
is
economically
designed
to
meet
the
needs
of
today's
more
active
potty
time
participant.
It's
stylish,
ergonomic
design
is
roomier
than
any
other
toilet
seat
on
the
market,
allowing
periods
of
defecation
to
double
as
Jiu-Jitsu
practice
for
the
time
stressed
martial
artist.
And
the
Big
John
is
built
for
the
long
haul
FftEE
FOISUH
Departures
8
K
h
n
ft
jf
I
"
mK"
ft
ft
;
ftl
L-.
r
V.
..t'
.
lf
"I""1"r
"
II
11
A
M
tM
i
Wf
I
down
the
Hershey
Highway,
molded
of
the
highest-grade
anti-microbial
plastic,
which
is
both
stain
and
chemical
resistant,
in
case
you
need
a
quick
schnooter
of
meth
while
on
the
throne.
Big
John
is
tested
for
an
occupant
of
up
to
1
200
lbs,
so
your
horse
can
get
down
with
the
civilization
train,
and
will
fit
nicely
on
any
bowl,
be
it
round
or
elongated!
But
the
icing
on
the
cake
in
this
renaissance
of
the
commode
has
got
to
be
the
stabilizing
rubber
bumpers,
whk
eliminate
all
unwanti
shifting
motion!
during
exceptional!
strenuous
sessions,
screaming
knuckle
interludes.
Just
doing
yoia
business
on
can
was
tine
in
14
century,
but
m
today's
more
involw
lifestyle,
the
Big
JolJ
is
the
ticket.
Made
the
good
old
USA,
ft
must
have
bathroo
utensil
can
be
youfl
by
visiting
bigjohntoiletseat.ccMl
So
get
on
it!
dookfll
or
durim
hot
frJ
chu'ddl
"
Playing
with
Fire:
Learning
to
Cook
at
CNq
I
Part
1
:
MIW
(Men
and
Women
in
White)
by
Andrew
Beuzer
Cooking,
I
am
told,
is
all
about
using
common
sense.
There
is
a
group
of
us
on
campus
who
are
committing
the
better
part
of
a
year
to
developing
this
common
sense
-
a
sense
that
seems
to
be
far
less
common
than
advertised.
W
e
toil
away
in
the
kitchens
of
our
college,
learning
how
to
make
food
look
better,
smell
better,
and
taste
better.
We
are,
for
better
or
worse,
instantly
recognizable
in
our
crisp
white
hats
and
coats,
and
our
flashy
checked
pants.
So,
what
is
up
with
the
uniforms?
Well,
professional
cooks
have
been
wearing
similar
uniforms
for
over
100
years.
They
have
become
a
symbol
of
our
profession.
As
students,
we
are
responsible
for
buying
and
maintaining
our
own
uniforms.
They
serve
a
number
of
important
functions.
The
white
coats
are
double
breasted,
so
there
are
two
layers
of
material
between
you
and
anything
that
may
want
to
burn
you.
And
believe
me,
there
is
no
shortage
of
things
in
a
professional
kitchen
that
are
just
waiting
to
burn
you.
Hot
fat,
boiling
water,
fire,
hot
pots
and
pans
-
the
list
is
pretty
long.
The
sleeves
of
our
coats
are
designed
to
be
rolled
up
(when
you
are
scrubbing
pots)
or
worn
long
(to
protect
your
arms
against
hot
fats
when
cooking).
The
coats
are
white
so
it's
easy
to
see
if
they
are
dirty.
Another
handy
feature
of
the
double-breasted
coat
is
that
the
front
is
reversible.
That
means
that
if
I
spatter
tomato
sauce
on
the
front
of
my
jacket,
I
can
quickly
unbutton
the
front
and
button
it
up
with
the
opposite
set
of
buttons,
thus
hiding
the
stain
under
a
fresh
clean
patch
of
jacket.
It's
a
pretty
neat
party
trick.
I'm
convinced
that
all
white
shirts
should
be
designed
like
this.
The
hats
are
there
to
keep
our
hair
out
of
your
food.
Pretty
simple.
The
big
floppy
ones
traditionally
have
101
pleats
(apparently
a
reference
to
the
101
classical
ways
of
preparing
eggs).
Many
of
us
prefer
the
more
modern
"beanie"
style
cap,
and
both
styles
are
acceptable
in
our
kitchens.
The
checked
pants
are
usually
worn
pretty
baggy,
to
make
movement
easy
and
to
keep
you
cool
in
kitchens
that
can
easily
reach
over
30pelcius.
The
checked
pattern,
in
an
odd
contrast
to
the
white
coats,
actually
hides
dirt
remarkably
well.
There's
a
scarf
to
keep
sweat
from
dripping
everywhere,
and
an
apron
for
protection
of
those
sensitive
"nether
regions"
that
probably
don't
react
particularly
well
to
hot
fryer
grease.
The
apron
we
wear
is
called
a
four-way
apron,
and
it
is
designed
so
there
are
4
clean
sides
to
the
apron,
so
we
can
flip
it
over
to
expose
a
clean
surface
when
things
get
a
bit
messy.
But
perhaps
as
much
as
tools
of
hygiene
and
safety,
our
uniforms
are
a
sort
of
"great
equalizer".
We
are
a
pretty
diverse
bunch
in
the
Culinary
Arts
program.
Some
of
us
are
just
out
of
high
school;
some
of
us
are
on
our
second
or
third
careers.
Some
have
worked
in
commercial
kitchens
before,
and
some
have
not.
We
are
all
very
different,
but
when
we
put
on
experiences
from
our
months
togewl
the
uniform
we
are
all
the
same
-
with
and
that
common
sense
we
common
goals
for
the
day,
common
working
so
hard
to
hone
and
perfecjl
f.kfcIOjMlI
o
b
afre-n
r'o'SielbtuM'tco'Irlr.XW
roydjMb
f-a
fTx
t0&
"-"--.-.
t
""
"
nj
rifejhd
Sn
Kapi
u
o
f
ldBTH
biaa1sgMl
Mfl-f
ye
"elect
r
jfjWelhlaj
Jl'dlJihfjSfe
t
r
a
d
i
a
)Stj0,
offfll
p?ojilfr'ClyIrl!
e
ih
l-asVs
a
i
n
d
o
n
yl&ilfH
jHitr
thwynlasat
tVg
iau
iQBPVvnffU
igrkeehsockett
i
inrgessoinad
Wi
t
c
poneebun:periiinuacxhted!.ie
aji0
SK?
u
x
p
i
e
r
r.
d
n
e
a
q
y
d
c
n
u
r
r
..
q
r
o
t"3
e
mSlu
u
e-l;d
b'r-e
a
k"e"r"s"
5
edacetylen
eH
oxygenaybeir.
e
a
1
a
i
tctutalelo
Leropplair.
er
r
14
4
h
,$.
suderpfs.
a-Jj
ewialouey
S&f$bP
i
r.
rf
'.J
e
u
y
o
o
u
9B
soidcntuor
jffr
tungs
ten
$.
o
luqri
Ivvh
a
n
d
o
r
hpii
PjKP
s
s
u
i
l.-saanfteu
3
g
p
s
jM
e
o
t
9
a
na
'
r
jMp
v
e
r
m
p
r
yheubadeto
'9
electropla'tellanocdtuncr
ocdtuncr
a
m
b
ll
'wX4raMSiWISlPff
acetone
acetylene
amperage
anuil
arc
articulate
battery
bead
bearing
beuel
brazing
breaker
blower
bumper
camshaft
cast
cedar
current
distortion
electrode
electroplate
emery
exhaust
flange
'm
iw
"'mmf,?''"'
flux
flywheel
forge
foundation
fusion
gauge
grind
header
hone
iron
joint
lathe
metallurgy
sieter
ouerspray
oxygen
paint
pine
plainer
plate
pushrod
radiator
receptacle
rosebud
M
sandpaper!
shock
A44Ufr
J
1
"""'
11
sparkpli
steal
titaniuii
tongs
tread
tunostMu
unscn
weld
wire