| thought to myself, “Man this game
sounds like something | would enjoy.” | forced
my mouthful of maggot textured hamburger
down with a gulp of the burnt stale coffee
and politely interjected myself into their
conversation.
“ Hey guys do you think | can play to?”

They stopped. Abruptly. The buzzing of
the dinner froze. Time locked into a seemingly
never ending awkward silence. A silence that
was only broken by the chalkboard scraping
sound of their eyeballs darting down to my
waist and slowly dragging back up again.
These guys were giving me the once over. A
once over that ended in a sideways nod and
a “Sorry man. The guild’s full.”

| was destroyed. Now dont get me
wrong, I've been once over and rejected
before. Being a plumper child with short stocky
legs, this type of thing plagued me throughout
my kick ball career. However, never in all my
years have | had a rejection cut so deep or
hurt so bad.

These chaps cut me down to my very
core. My understanding of the world was
shattered. I’m not sure why. Perhaps it was
due to my pop culture teachings of days
bygone that Dungeon & Dragons players
are the bottom of the high school pyramid
No better than the dirt that the cool kids walk
upon. For whatever reason something inside
me broke that day.

Their rejection ripped the door off
the part of my psyche where you store all
the muck. The fear, the embarrassment, the
sadness, that one dark memory of the time
you walked in on your grandparents and they
informed you that they were just wrestling but
you tell me, what kind of wrestling involves
that much sweat, saliva and ball gags?

All of that filth and grit started boiling up
inside of me until | was driven like a mailman
in a bell tower to get my revenge. | swore to
myself and to everyone in that bastard filled
restaurant that | would become the greatest

Dungeons & Dragons player the world had
ever seen. | would be the envy of every
Dungeon Master. | would be the guru of
Dungeon & Dragons.

| started pouring my money _ into
resources. It didn't matter what edition, | was
going to master them all. Countless nights
were spent by the glow of the Steve Jobs
computing machine scouring online forms
for the latest tricks and tips. My morning
rituals involved black coffee and practice
dice rolls. | have burnt through more money
and relationships on this quest of Dungeon
& Dragons mastery than a heroin junkie on
speed.

Now here's the thing. In all the past 3
years ofjunkie crazed obsession, | have played
not one game. Not one measly game. Every
time | find a guild with an open spot something
goes astray resulting in the disappointment of
yet another missed opportunity. | feel like I’m
chasing a ghost, that I’m just not rich or good
looking enough to join the country club that is
Dungeons and Dragons.

So please if you are reading this for
the love of everything that is right in the world
Play With Me! | don’t want to die alone.

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